The short answer? Absolutely anything you’ve got to. I picked up my first job working at a movie theater. It wasn’t glamorous, or even well paid, but it was a start and it provided me with enough money to eat and get to where I needed to be going. The 7 years of my life were a blur, containing for the most part unparalleled work as I struggled to obtain and maintain as many jobs as necessary while attempting to put myself through school as quickly as possible. Not only because I needed to, but because I just didn’t like school. I always felt like I had better things to be doing than memorizing math functions and I still feel that way. Education was and is designed to reward those that do the best memorizing things until the test has passed, instead of rewarding those that accelerate far beyond anyone’s expectations to any reasonable level. So instead I sold myself to the devil, and I worked. I worked, and worked, and worked. It wasn’t until I crash landed just shy of my 21st Birthday that I had any real understanding of what I was putting myself through.
I had spent time in entertainment, spent time drinking every night as I attempted to throw the most memorable of parties night after night and it was torturous for someone like me. Someone who’s naturally introverted, soft spoken, and quiet. Around this time I moved to be with someone that would change my life in the most disappointing of ways. I had a few sour relationships under my belt, but nothing like what happened then. My 21st came and went, a delightful bash spanning three clubs and blowing the lid off of every one, but I still wasn’t happy. I think I had started to lose sight of what made me happy, and depression that I could remember spanning back as young as the age of 8 made sure I didn’t tell a soul.
On a side note, it wasn’t until 2015 that I’d knowingly acknowledge that I have clear memory of having depression the entirety of my life. A fact I had attempted to avoid to the best of my ability, because what better way to not be depressed than to keep telling yourself that you don’t constantly feel like you’re sinking further under dark water?
The relationship I had relocated my entire life for went bad. Explosively bad. It took me tasting my own blood to realize how bad it was, in fact, but I still don’t look back with regret. I made the best choices I could, I learned and moved forward, and here I am as a better person for it. …After that I floated around, stayed with a friend, and then finally got my own place again. It wasn’t huge or glamorous, but it was something I hadn’t done for some years while I was with my now-ex among other things in my life. I now had my own place again, and I finally remembered how nice it was to have my own little slice of sanctuary. A place you can lock your door, and no one can force you to open it. Not without grave repercussions, naturally.
Eventually I upgraded, finally moving back into a comfortable house of my own and so it’s been for some years now. I’ve deeply enjoyed my quiet little life, time drawing on as it usually does, I’ve seen many faces come and go during that time. People that have gone on to start families of their own and persue their very own ambitions and hopes in life…
I’ve made friends and lost them,
met people that sent my heart aflutter and watched them go,
and here I am.
Still just watching the world fly by.
I will not be your daddy, dom, or adopt you.
It’s extremely unlikely I’d even consider having sex with you, let alone you being my type.
And christ no, I am not the person of your dreams.
I like many have problems and I have scars, I’ve been cheated on and struck in anger by people far less deserving than I had anticipated, I am not here to be anyone’s savior, and I’m the furthest from perfection I’ve ever seen and I’m doing the very best that I can.
I’m just like anyone else… I just want to be inspired and to feel acknowledged and loved.
So the simple answer is, nothing has ever come easy.
And that’s okay with me.
Interested in more?
If so, give a listen to the story of my life below!